Ghosting
This story is dedicated to the people in our lives who should’ve behaved better (you know who you are).
Ghosting. I want to say, ‘we all know what it’s like’. Except, fortunately, not everyone has experienced this new dating phenomenon. I had only heard about ghosting from my 20-something colleagues. Let’s face it, the only ghosting most people in their 30s (aka my age) know about is the ‘new sport’ kind invented by Hamish & Andy. Freshly back on the dating scene, I desperately wanted to believe people my age knew how to behave better. Turns out out I was proudly ‘ghost-free until 33’ (and perhaps a little naive) because then it happened…
Ghosting: “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested…” - Urban Dictionary
Let me set the scene.
Guy Who Shall Not Be Named (you know who you are!) and I meet online. Guy Who Shall Not be Named and I have a promising first date (so much so we make plans for a second date the following night!). Guy Who Shall Not Be Named and I enjoy a second, third and, well, you get the picture. In summary, two months of almost daily contact and otherwise good times dating pass when, suddenly, no reply!
I had my SJP moment. Then I waited. I waited a few days (ok truthfully, a few weeks) just to be sure he, I mean the relationship, was dead* (yup, still no reply) before accepting my fate: I’d been ghosted.
*FYI he is not dead — thank you Instagram!
Whilst my emotional thought process during this waiting period can be summed up nicely stealing the following words from Staff Writer Alison Segal of Elite Daily:
“In my mind, I’d like to believe that they were in the CIA and that the government made them change their number because they were too in love with me. Or maybe they were kidnapped. Or potentially, their phone dropped into the ocean when they were collecting sea shells for me as a gift.”.
But the dark reality is I had been not-so-subtly rejected. And apparently ghosting has become the new (but not improved) ‘he’s just not that into you’.
But, really, WTF?
When did it become more acceptable to disappear off the face of the earth than simply let someone know that you’re no longer interested?
To be sure I wasn’t overreacting, I did what I always do when I am in search of answers, I researched. And here is what I found:
1. There is a science behind why people ghost.
And it has to do with the notion of cognitive dissonance. When we hold conflicting beliefs (for example, wanting to end a relationship but not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings) we experience psychological stress. And, so to escape this stress, we justify (poor) behaviour such as cutting off contact.
2. Most people who ghost are immature and narcissistic.
Ghosting is an easy escape. While no one enjoys confrontation, emotionally mature people understand that communication is key when it comes to relationships and will own the short-term pain involved in respectfully letting someone know they are no longer interested. This is not the case for ghosters. Those people most likely to ghost are self-centred and predisposed to have narcissistic qualities (such as a grandiose sense of importance and a lack of empathy).
3. Ghosting happens to A LOT of people. And it hurts.
Ghosting hurts like a normal breakup, plus some. Google agrees! With over 5 million results for ‘ghosting’, the second hit is an article aptly titled ‘This is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much’. The main reason (well documented in the mental health world) is that ghosting is a tactical use of the silent treatment (a form of emotional abuse). Ghosting creates a sense of emotional ambiguity and this lack of clarity on what has happened leaves the ghostee powerless to process the experience (often evoking the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain).
4. Ghosting is “very bad manners” (according to relationship experts). BUT you will be OK.
Now, in the interest of full transparency, this last point is simply my Mother’s (humble) opinion! When she asked how things were going with Guy Who Shall Not Be Named (I repeat, you know who you are) I was hesitant to share my ‘ghosting’ experience. I felt embarrassed and a little vulnerable (my parents have been happily married for 40+ years and that’s a tough gig to live up too!) but it’s hard to keep a secret from my Mum. Fortunately her quick-witted and pointed response provided a necessary healing; “Oh darling, time to close that book and return it to the library”.
