Hello disappointment
Nice to meet you.
Disappointment is a strange feeling. On one hand it’s ugly and uncomfortable, yet, on the other hand, it’s cathartic and glorious.
I recently had to discover “the feeling of being unhappy because something that you hoped for or expected did not happen” a.k.a, disappointment. In my case it was a job prospect (truth: career dream!) not coming to fruition as planned, leaving me bewildered, disheartened, and, if I am totally honest, alone in a dark sea of emotions without a map to navigate my way back to shore.
The backstory:
I was headhunted for a leadership role in a library in Singapore.
Pro: opportunity to tick ‘living and working overseas’ off my bucket-list.
I was flown to Singapore for the interview and my boyfriend and I spent a long weekend exploring the sights, indulging in the culinary culture and fantasising about a new life in Asia’s gateway to the world.
Pro: hawker centres = foodie heaven!
I was offered the job. YAY! A promotion. Expat salary and conditions.
Pro: A dream come true!
Con: upon returning to Sydney my boyfriend decided he didn’t want to move to Singapore.
Enter shock, followed swiftly by a wave of confusion and then a tsunami of disappointment.
Despite him championing my application for the position, a positive visit to Singapore, and several months of d&m’s all in favour of moving, my boyfriend had had a change of heart.
Perhaps the reality of such a big life decision held him back? Or perhaps there was something more going on for him? I never came to know his reasoning but what I do know for a fact is the disappointment hit me hard.
Then came the thoughts… some may have called it ruminating, excogitating, brooding. Let’s just say there were A LOT of thoughts! Could I go without him? What would that mean for our relationship? This is a dream opportunity, but is it my dream to go alone? Did we want the same things in life? Should we break up? Why is this happening? What if I make a wrong decision?
And with all the thoughts came all the feels.
I was genuinely perplexed, stumped, discombobulated (I blame my wordsmith boyfriend for that ridiculous synonym!) at how to deal with the feelings associated with disappointment:
The shock that a carefully considered life-plan might not actually go to plan.
A sadness over unmet expectations and abandoned dreams.
Overwhelming self-doubt about my decision-making abilities.
Deep guilt for the time and energy wasted on the whole experience.
Anger at my boyfriend for letting me down (and at myself, and at the situation).
And loss; a lost opportunity, hopelessness for the situation, and the (soon to be) loss of a great love.
It’s important to clarify here that soon after my boyfriend became my ex-boyfriend. The breakup was unrelated to the decision to turn down the job offer, but I had secretly hoped it may help ease my disappointment. Instead it only added to the sadness.
Awesome! No dream job and no boyfriend. Hello DOUBLE disappointment (it’s not so nice to meet you!).
The darkness of disappointment upon disappointment felt like a Saturn return (for all you non-astrology fans that’s a cosmic ‘cruel-to-be-kind’ rite of passage) and I was forced to face the reality that one disappointment often leads to another (and another!). Sure, it breaks you down, but the mess serves a purpose: it makes you lift the heavy weights, it gives you muscles, it gets you into fighting shape!
“The great epochs of our life are the occasions when we gain the courage to re-baptize our evil qualities as our best qualities.” — Nietzsche
With Nietzsche as inspiration I made a conscious choice to feel my feelings and live out each moment of the emotional rollercoaster that was disappointment. After all, even Saturn keeps orbiting around the sun! Some moments were lived in anger, some in tears, some in reflection, and some in creative pursuit. But all with deep respect and in honest conversation with myself about what this experience meant to and for me.
Psychologist Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener (authors of The Upside of Your Dark Side) suggest there is an upside to allowing ourselves to access our full range of emotions.
For instance, anger can makes us creative, self-doubt can enhance performance and guilt is a powerful motivator for continuous improvement. The key, they say, lies in our ability to be emotionally agile. In my words; to simply ‘feel our feelings’.
In learning to navigate disappointment I quickly discovered opportunities are simply a favourable juncture of circumstances —whereby the term ‘favourable’ may fall anywhere on the spectrum from ugly and uncomfortable to glorious and cathartic . In my case, being forced to harness the so-called ‘darker feelings’ of disappointment was a rare opportunity to stop and re-assess my dreams — about life, love, career (and everything in between!).
Pro: my bucket-list is now coloured with bright new hopes for the future.
Lessons learnt:
Disappointment is real. Feel ALL of your feelings. And when things don’t go to plan, dare to let disappointment be the guide to the circuitous route.
